A Fragment
by Confoundment
Summary: I swallowed thickly. Despite the familiarity of this place, I couldn't help but feel horribly vulnerable in the crowd. I shivered as some fifth year brushed passed me. Why did I feel so lost?
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own Harry Potter. Honestly, people. If I did, would I be writing on here?_

_Author's Note: This is a very somber piece. I'm not quite sure how long it will be. It's rated T because although there are some very significant issues, there is nothing too much to make it M. I promise that it will get better. On a side note, I may just abandon _A Trip to Whales_ as no one seems to be enjoying it. So if you _do_ like it, review so i will have someone to make happy. Anyways, I hope you like this. Please review._

* * *

I stumbled onto the platform, looking around me nervously. The Hogwarts Express blew a thick cloud of smoke out of its' top as the whistle sounded loudly. I swallowed thickly. Despite the familiarity of this place, I couldn't help but feel horribly vulnerable in the crowd. I shivered as some fifth year brushed passed me. Why did I feel so lost? I had been here what felt like a million times. I was Head Girl for Merlin's sake. I should know what I was doing.

"Lily!" The word sliced through my head; the didn't feel right anymore. "Lily, _there_ you are! I've been looking all over! When did you get here?" Katarina, my closest friend, squealed, making my skin crawl.

"Oh, I just… uh… got here." I said, slowly, loosing my train of thought all too frequently. "I've got to go though. I have the… uhm… prefects meeting, since I'm a Head and such."

"Right! I completely forgot!" She made to give me a quick hug goodbye but I recoiled out of her grasp.

"Bye." I called softly over my shoulder, becoming once again lost in the crowd of students. Remorse was not felt at the obvious brush off of my friend. I could not bring myself to feel anything but alone.

I made my way to the train slowly, avoiding physical and social contact with anyone as best as I could. Several friends stopped to say hello, but I hurried on, muttering almost inaudibly about the prefects meeting. It was just about eleven o'clock and in a few hours I could just go up to my private dormitory in the castle and be bothered by no one but myself.

I heaved my things into the prefects' compartment, stowing them away on the racks above the seats and sat down looking out the window at the bustling students. I felt no desire to join them, to laugh and converse about the upcoming year, about how it would be our last. I just wished furiously that I could lay down and sleep for forever, never having to worry about another thing again. But I knew that I couldn't; I hadn't been able to sleep in months.

"Lily! Hello." At the male voice I visibly stiffened, though after I had recognized it, my muscles relaxed hesitantly.

"Potter." I said, turning to nod at the form that stood looming above me at almost two metres. "Hello."

"How was your summer, Lily?" James asked, obviously surprised at my civil behaviour.

I fought to stay in the present, though I could not suppress the shudder that shook my now bony frame. "Fine. Yours?" I asked, desperately attempting to pull the conversation away from me.

He ignored my question though, his eyebrows knitting together in concern. "Are you all right?" His eyes ran over my body, taking in the drastic changes from the end of last year. He saw how my hair hung limp and how my skin was pale and sallow. He saw how my bones jutted out from my body in sharp angles. He saw how dark smudges encircled my dull green eyes. I wished he couldn't, but my wishes never seem to be granted.

"Of course." I lied. "Erm… What are you doing in the prefects compartment?"

"I'm Head Boy." He said, still distracted. He shook it off, though, giving me a warm smile. "Looks as though we'll be sharing a dormitory together, eh? I wonder if they really are much better than our old ones."

"Oh, uhm… yeah, I suppose." I replied, not really listening. I wrung my hands in my lap, staring at them unseeingly. The sixth year prefects came bursting in then, plopping down on the seats loudly.

James called them all to order, introducing us as their Heads. He took over the meeting, telling them that an owl would come informing them all of their patrolling schedules, while I just sat there, staring at my hands.

The train, thankfully, came to a halt a few hours after James had dismissed the prefects. He had attempted to make small talk with me, though I was unresponsive. I had moved as far away from him as the small compartment would allow, though it was not because of any aversion to him specifically. I just did not feel comfortable being anywhere near him.

My breathing came more quickly as he leaned above me, placing his book back into his trunk.

"Are you sure you're all right?" He asked again.

"Yes. I'm perfectly fine." It's odd how, once you've said a lie enough times, it almost starts sounding true to you as well.

"Right." He said, not sounding completely convinced. I had no idea why he wouldn't believe me when my own mum believed me the first time that I had told her. "Bit peaky?" James asked, his voice still dripping with genuine concern. "You look like— well you didn't have anything from the trolley."

"No." My voice sounded weary and forced, even to my own ears. It was like everything about me had been turned down a notch, making everything a slow automatic reaction. "I'm not."

"Right. Well, I'm sure the feast will be wonderful." He was trying to lighten up the mood, to make that spark flash in my eyes once more like it always used to. It wasn't working. After all, nothing really would.

I merely nodded, turning and walking out the sliding door to the front of the train, hoping desperately that no one else would try to speak with me. Luck was with me, standing by my side as ice cold rain slid down the backs of my robes. It was when I sidled by the thick mahogany doors of the Great Hall that luck decided to leave.

"Not going to the feast?" James asked, coming up beside me. It occurred to me that I should be angry. Who was he to suddenly start speaking to me as though I _hadn't_ despised him for six years? But the fury, the fire, refused to come.

"No. I told you, I'm not hungry." My eyelids felt heavy. I was tired. I was always tired, but sleep always managed to allude me, along with the ability to keep food down.

"Where are you going then?"

"To the dormitory." I replied, not having the heart nor energy to argue with him.

"Why?" He inquired, though the question than ran through _my_ mind was _Why won't he just leave me be?_

"I thought I go up for a bit of a rest." I answered somewhat truthfully.

"Well, I hope you feel better." His words projected all the worry and concern that his voice could not.

I hoped so too, however useless it was.

I just stared up at him, my face pinched into one that resembled this half-person, someone who wasn't all there anymore. Walking away, I could feel his eyes on me and I was horribly uncomfortable for more reasons than one.

I'm not quite sure how I managed to get into the dormitory, but once I did, I made a beeline for my quarters. I lay down on the bed, wrapping my arms around my torso, hopelessly trying to hold myself together. The deep wracking sobs that ripped from my fragile being echoed into the room around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and hugged myself more closely, trying to shut out the vivid memories. But even when you close your eyes and all you see is black, you can still tell if darkness surrounds you.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Well. This is a tad atrocious. I wrote it during my classes and typed it up when I hadn't gotten a good nights sleep in ages. I was going on three hours rest. Lovely, yes? There are sure to be thousands of grammar and spelling mistakes and at the moment, I'm too tired to fix them. This is extremely short and the next chapter was originally part of this one, but I thought I'd split it up, just for fun. Review please, tell me what you liked/disliked. Make my exhausted day. Oh, and thank you to those who _did_ review. :D_

* * *

I screamed. Loudly. I had managed, somehow, to doze off and the memories haunted me, flashing vividly behind my eyes. Each sensation remembered as powerfully as when it had happened. I kept screaming, but no matter how cacophonous, no matter how piercing I tried to make my voice, the images and the feeling of pure terror would not ebb.

"Lily?" The soft voice was new. Never before had it made an appearance in my nightmares. "Lily!"

I screamed again, but the deep baritone would not go away. Instead it seemed to grow louder. It sounded oddly familiar. What was this new torture?

"Lily!" Strong, very real, arms grasped my shoulders. The contact seemed to be exactly what I needed to break through the horror.

Thrashing, I continued to scream, until I opened my eyes and saw that I was, in fact, in my dormitory and not in the one dreaded place. Chest heaving, I peered up at the owner of the voice with wide, frightened eyes.

"You were screaming." James stated, simply. "What happened?"

I just continued to stare up at him, desperately trying to breathe past the lump lodged in my throat. I longed for him to leave so that I could allow the terrified tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes go. But I was afraid and I didn't want him to leave me all alone.

"Lily, what happened to you?" He asked fiercely. I could see that this question wasn't restricted to that night.

"N— nothing." I said, my voice feeble. "I'm fine."

My watery eyes and shuddering frame must have given away my fib for he said, "Lily. Tell me what the hell scared you so badly. You're bloody shaking. What happened?" His eyes burned down into mine and I was tempted to tell him. I knew I couldn't though. I couldn't let anyone know how truly weak I was. I couldn't let anyone see how cowardly, how un-Gryffindor I was. "Lily. Tell me."

Instead of giving in, I burst into tears. Great, heaving sobs reverberated through my frail body. I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide my shameful face. James' arms wrapped around me, pushing m against his broad chest. When I tried to pull away, recoiling from the skin to skin contact, he just held on tighter.

"Lily, Lily. It's okay. Don't worry. It's okay. You're safe." He murmured into my hair. He was trying to be comforting, trying to fix me, but I was beyond being comforted. I was beyond repair.

"I'm not." I admitted. "I'm not okay."

"Lily, what happened to you?" He whispered softly, though his concern was the loudest thing I had ever heard in my life. Again, the question was referring to what had changed me. What had changed me from the bubbling person I had once been. The person I had been only two months ago.

My thoughts flashed to the dark alley. To the long knife flashing silver in the moonlight. I shuddered at the memory of such helplessness.

"Nothing." I answered, eyes downcast.

"You can tell me." I could see the undying promise shining brightly behind his eyes.

"I _can't_." My voice was hollow, the life that had once filled it gone. After all, I was no more than a shell now. "It doesn't matter anymore." I lied unconvincingly.

"It matters to you." He whispered.

"It was just some Muggle, okay? That's all." My words were only half-true. It _was_ just one lone Muggle, but it was not okay; it never would be.

"You're not telling me the truth, Lily. I look at you now and you're not here. You are not Lily Evans. That spark in your eyes is gone. The pink flush of your skin is gone. The shining gold of your hair is gone. _You_ are gone. What happened?"

Maybe it was his concern for me. Or maybe it was the way he said my name or the manner in which he spoke of the old Lily Evans. Perhaps it was how he refused to let it go. Whatever the reason, _he_ was the catalyst that cracked my carefully cultivated façade. He broke down the floodgates that I had so desperately been trying to hold up. He was the reason my mind now swirled with memories of the one thing I longed to forget.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: This is what really happened to Lily. It's all a flashback to that night; the memories that Lily was thinking of before I ended the last chapter. Review, tell me what you think. Oh and if you don't think you can handle pretty bad stuff, don't read this. That's basically my final warning._

* * *

It was cold. Puddles collected on the asphalt as I slopped through the rain soaked streets. Despite the dreary weather, I was excited. My seventeenth birthday was the next day and I would legally be able to use magic outside Hogwarts. I felt for my wand, wanting to feel the comforting sliver of wood. To my dismay, I realised that I had left it at home. Unperturbed, I continued walking deeper into the city. It felt good to be back in London and I wasn't planning on wasting a moment of my time there.

It was getting steadily darker and the moon reflected in the miniature ponds. I sighed, taking in the beauty of my surroundings, and turned down a side street. Something glinted in the pale light that shone from the moon. I began to walk a little more quickly. Suddenly, I felt this overwhelming fear. Being without my wand only intensified the feeling. Only a moment after that foreboding fear washed over me, a grimy, oil stained hand covered my mouth roughly.

"Hullo, love." His voice was gravelly and his breath was hot on my cheek. He stroked my neck and I fought to pull away, but his overgrown nails dug into my skin as he held me tighter.

I screamed against his hand, but no matter how hard I tried to make my voice, it was heard as no more than a loud sigh.

It was only as he began to touch me that he lifted his hand. The sharp silver knife clenched in his hand was the only thing keeping me from shrieking for help. The ice cold drops of panic slithered through my veins, clamping onto my heart like a bear trap. I could scarcely breathe.

He tugged my pants down roughly, chafing them against my legs.

"Please." I whimpered pathetically as he unbuttoned his own pants. My voice was startlingly quiet. I was unable to achieve any amount of volume. "Please."

The pain that shot through me when he started was blinding. It did not cease.

"Please. Please stop." Tears were streaming down my face and I struggled to push him off me. My attempts were futile; he was much larger than I was. "Please!"

Although he was done quickly, it felt as though it had taken hours. He threw me to the ground like an old rag doll when he was through with me.

"Goodbye, love." He kissed his had and slapped my cheek twice before turning away, leaving me half clothed and freezing on the wet ground.

I lay there for a long while. I never met up with my friends. No one but that man and myself knows what happened that horrible night. The night that changed me.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Wow. I am so sorry. It had been forever since I updated. My apologies. I've been working on a few other things and school has become complete hell, more so than before. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this. It's longer than any of the other chapters. And now I'm just rambling. Read it, tell me what was rubbish and what you liked and I promise that I'll reply._

* * *

I shuddered at the memory, the movement rocking my entire frame.

"Lily." He bent his head closer to my own, his shining hazel eyes peering into mine. I felt as though he could see every part of me. My thoughts… my terror… my soul, or the shattered pieces that was left of it. It frightened me. I felt even more vulnerable and exposed than usual. "Lily, what is going on?"

Again, I tried to will myself to be angry with him, at him and again the fury would not surface. The old Lily Evans refused to show herself. "I don't know what you're talking about." I mumbled, my voice was high and shaky at my pathetic attempt at being stubborn. I willed _him_ to stop, to lose interest in the disastrous creature that was me, but he didn't.

He took a step forward, reaching out to place a hand on my arm and I quickly stepped back, letting out a frightened squeak when my back met the stone wall. This unwanted proximity felt all too familiar.

"Lily, stop lying to me." I wished he would stop saying my name; I didn't deserve that name anymore. No longer was I the sweet kind Lily Evans. No, now I was this filthy imposter of a once happy girl. "Lily."

"Please, James. Just stop. Please just _let me go_." I had begged before and gotten only this broken piece of me in return. I was afraid to speak for fear of losing what little bit of me was left. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes and the concern on James' face grew deeper.

Before stepping away from me, he reached out, patting my arm so softly that I wouldn't have been sure he'd done it if I hadn't seen it. I recoiled at the small touch and he spoke so quietly, so kindly that I almost regretted telling him to leave me alone. "You can trust me, Lily."

His words scared me, left me unbalanced. I walked away, trying to go as fast as possible without running. My weight made it so nary a sound was emitted when my feet touched the floor. I made my way to the bathroom, deciding that it was better there than with James and when I entered it, I collapsed onto the floor, silent sobs shaking my body.

I didn't want to believe his words. Trust was no longer given by me. The last time I had trusted someone, the last time I had trusted _myself_, I had ended up like this.

I felt badly for the way I'd treated James, but there was no way I could tell him. There was no way I could tell anyone.

It didn't matter how kind James was being. His pleas for my trust had been hopelessly redundant. Yet, despite this, I found a small piece of me warmed. Because for the first time in several months, it felt as though someone truly cared about my well being. After all, no one else had really noticed the extreme changes in my behavior and appearance.

I relished in this feeling and, oddly, I did not mind that it was James Potter who made me feel it.

* * *

While I slept, the nightmares still swirled dizzily in my mind. When I woke, I still saw the gloom of a cloudy day, though the sun was shining on the brightly coloured leaves of the Forbidden Forest. My skin was still sallow and my hair still sat limply on my shoulders. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I still felt dirty, just as dirty as I had felt for the past few months. But there was a special place, in the fragments of my heart, that still felt that warm feeling.

I wandered out of my room, eyes drooping from obvious sleep deprivation. All I wanted was to lay back down and sleep forever. Really sleep. Meaning no more nightmares, no more memories, no more waking up in a cold sweat with a voice hoarse from screaming.

I turned a corner and walked straight into James.

"Oh! Sorry, Lily." He murmured, grasping my shoulders to keep me from falling. I recoiled at his sudden touch and closeness and we both tumbled to the ground.

He landed heavily on top of me and I screamed.

"Get off me. Please, get off me!" With his weight pressed flush against me, old memories rushed back. It felt like I was in that alley again.

James gave me a puzzled stare, presumably at my reaction, as he pulled himself up. And then, he didn't look so befuddled, like everything had just clicked into place. "Oh… Lily…"

I realised that he had figured it out. Perhaps he didn't know when it happened, or where, or why, but he knew. He _knew_.

_No, no, no, no, no._ I kept chanting in my head. No one was supposed to know. No one was ever supposed to find out. No one was supposed to know how horribly weak I was.

"Lily… I am so unbelievably sorry." His soft tone and caring words caused the warm feeling to flare for a moment. He just kept looking at me. Not with pity, not with contempt, but with absolute and utter concern, for _me_.

And so I began to cry. The slow moving tears soon gave way to wrenching sobs. James looked a bit unsure of what to do at first, but then he wrapped his arms around me, allowing me to lean into his sturdy chest.

The tears ebbed after a while and I realised that for the first time in months, I hadn't flinched at a form of physical contact. It was an eerie sort of pride that filled me.

I looked up at him, my emerald eyes wide and still wet. They said everything I couldn't, and he understood.

"Come on, Lily. You need some food in you." He looked like he wanted to say more, but he just let me go and beckoned me to follow. Unsure of why, I trailed after him, catching up quickly. His graceful lope slowed to match my cautious steps. I saw him peeking at me from the corner of his eyes every minute or so. Normally, this would annoy me, but now, it felt strangely pleasant, being looked after like that.

I sat beside James at the Gryffindor table, allowing him to drop a piece of toast on my plate. My leg touched his and instead of feeling frightened, I felt protected. Sirius looked at me a bit funny. It was the first time he had seen me since last year, so I couldn't blame him for staring.

"Thanks." I mumbled to James and he pushed the honey towards me, knowing full and well that that was what I preferred on my toast.

"Prongs, what the hell is going on?" Sirius' eyes flicked between us, confused, but there was a glimmer of that playful spark that embodied him. "First night back and you've already boffed Evans? Cheers, mate."

I slid away from James minutely, trembling slightly.

James fixed Sirius with a steely glare. "Shut it, Sirius."

I silently thanked him and looked down at my untouched toast. I wasn't hungry.

"Eat Lily." James murmured.

I only shook my head in response.

He sighed. "You have to eat something." His voice was low, so low that I was the only one able to hear it. "You're going to waste away to nothing."

"So?" He looked, for a moment, horrified, as if I had just said something that would end the world. "I'm not hungry."

"I don't want you to waste away."

The surprise in my face was evident. How could anyone want me alive? I was dirty, broken.

He dropped it after that, but I could still feel the truth that rang in his words.

I stared at nothing for the remainder of breakfast. James talked with the 'Marauders', though he wasn't fully concentrating on what they were saying. He would glance at me every few seconds, making sure I was okay, I supposed.

"Lily? Lily? Come on. It's time to go." James called, quiet but stern.

I looked over at him, my eyes dull and blank. I was so tired.

"Lily?"

"I just want to sleep." I whimpered, confiding in him.

"Come on. I'll take you up to the dormitory. You can sleep, don't worry." He extended a hand, cautiously placing it on my shoulder.

I looked up at him, my eyes wide and too trusting. I could see that I had trusted him, believed him, far too quickly. But I could not help it. There was something about the kind way in which he regarded me that I could not ignore.

"Okay." I stood and he moved his hand to my arm, gently guiding me. I leaned into him, relying on his support much more than I should have.

He led me to my bedchamber silently. "Do you need to change?"

"No, that's okay." I spoke much more to him than anyone else and I didn't know why. It confused me.

I then just stood there, not moving and feeling slightly awkward, though I had was clueless as to the reason.

"Come on, Lily. Lay down." He coaxed.

So I did, despite the fear of the nightmares I knew I would have.

Only when I was fully submerged in the sea of blankets did I speak. "Don't leave. Please?" My voice was horribly soft and pitiful, but he didn't seem to mind. James had been in love with me since fifth year. I'm sure the complete change in me surprised him, but he handled it well, much better than I did.

"Of course, Lily." He brushed my hair back like he would a child's and told me to go to sleep.

"Thank you, James." I whispered and he seemed to understand that I was thanking him for more than just agreeing to stay with me.

He only smiled.

And for the first time in months, I slept all the way through. There was no screaming, no nightmares… no fear.

For the first time in months, I felt safe.


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: So apparently, everyone thinks that this story is complete. I've been getting tons of reviews and private messages asking me to please continue this as it is "too short". It's absolutely lovely that you all like this oh so much, but in case you didn't notice, it is still in progress. No where does it say complete. I know that the last chapter had a note of finality, but this story is no where near finished. Okay? _

_Oh, and there may be a few grammatical and spelling errors. Please bear with me. I didn't have time to completely edit it. Thank you so much. __Enjoy._

* * *

My eyes opened slowly. I blinked a few times before everything came into focus. I heard deep breathing and I instantly began to panic. Turning my head to the side, my eyes fell upon the culprit. I visibly relaxed.

"James." I sighed with relief. There wasn't some strange man in my room. Good. Then, I realised that he was _asleep_ on my bedside chair. Head cocked in an uncomfortable position, arms draped over the edge of the chair, legs stretched out in front of him. Asleep.

I checked the watch I had discarded. It was four in the morning. I had slept for hours and James had stayed by my side, never leaving, as I'd asked him to. A strange surge of diluted felicity shot through my chest.

I got up and pulled my blanket off my bed. I threw it over James, making sure that each of his appendages were covered. It was the least I could do. After all, he had allowed me to get a full night's sleep. I owed him a lot more than warmth.

"Thank you." I murmured. I touched his cheek softly. It was a challenged. I had wanted to see if I could still touch someone. I hadn't initiated contact with anyone since it happened. It was nice to know I still could.

His eyes fluttered open as if he could sense me. I had touched him far too lightly for him to have felt it.

Suddenly, I was locked in a prison of hazel.

"Lily?" His eyebrows knit in confusion and his eyes flitted over to my empty bed. "Oh. You're awake. Did you sleep all right?"

I smiled slightly. It almost reached my eyes. It was rare to see me smile and even more rare for me to mean it. I almost meant it this time.

"Yeah. I did. No nightmares." I hadn't told him the intricate details of my trauma, but he was intelligent and fast on the uptake.

"Good." He smiled and the warmth from it completely reached his eyes.

"I envy you." I whispered. I hadn't meant to vocalise my feelings so effortlessly, but saying what I was thinking was too easy around James.

"I —— what?" His confusion was clear.

"I envy you." I repeated. "You don't have to fake interactions and emotions. You feel everything you're supposed to feel so easily. When I eventually remember that I'm supposed to feel a certain thing or act a certain way and say something, it's forced."

He stood, his eyes dark and calculating.

"Oh, Lily... You don't have to pretend for me." He made to reach out to me, but stopped himself. It was because of his caution and desire to do what I wanted... what I needed, that I walked to him. I leaned my head on his chest and he, so hesitantly, wrapped his arms around me. "This is your home, Lily. In this dormitory, you don't have to pretend for anything. Nothing will hurt you here. I promise." His words were warm and brushed against my skin. I felt them lightly against that balloon of feeling cared for as it ignited. I nodded weakly. "I'll protect you, Lily." I heard the sincerity ring out in each word he spoke. I felt it resonate through his chest. I felt it with each stroke of his strong hands on my back. "That man, he's not going to do that to you again. He's only here in your fear. Let go of that and nothing will happen to you. I promise you, Lily, I _will not_ let anything hurt you."

We stayed in that embrace for a while. His words sunk in and I realised the truth that lie there. He made it sound so simple, so easy. Could I really trust him so fully, so quickly? Could I really let go of my fear?

I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. But what if it _did_ happen again? What if someone else decided I was good enough to use and dispose of? To violate and ruin once again? What if James hurt me? What if I grew so attached to him, to his comforting presence and he decided I wasn't worth it? What if he realised that my friendship wasn't worth the price of taking care of me, protecting me?

It was hard. Much too hard. There was too much to lose.

"Are you hungry, Lily?"

I shook my head no. He looked like he wanted to protest, but held his tongue.

"How about tea? Do you want some tea?"

I almost said no. I was going to, but my mouth betrayed me. "Yes. Tea would be... nice."

"I'll be right back, okay?" He looked down into my eyes, searching for my true answer.

"Er... yeah. That's fine."

"Okay. Good. Wait for me in the Common Room." He leaned down and swiftly kissed my forehead. He pulled away instantly, realising his mistake belatedly. But I didn't mind. I should have, but I didn't. Perhaps James was an exception to every rule.

"I'll be in the Common Room."

He left and I felt that odd, pleasant feeling balloon in my chest once more. This only lasted a moment, though. I was alone in the dormitory. Anyone could have heard us use the password. Anyone could be on their way here now. Anyone could come in.

What if something happened?

Grabbing my blanket, I crept to the Common Room, positive I was going to see someone lurking about. I yelped when I saw the suit of armour. I was officially paranoid.

The portrait swung open and I let out a bloodcurdling shriek.

"Lily! Lily, it's me. James. Calm down." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, letting our tea levitate behind him. I stopped screaming the moment his skin touched mine.

"Sit, Lily." He pulled me slightly in the direction of the couch and I obliged. "Here." He passed me my tea, plopping two sugars into it, just the way I liked. He paid more attention than I gave him credit for. "I brought a bit of chocolate as well. Just in case you decided you wanted a bit to eat."

The chocolate did look tempting, but the thought of eating anything made me want to retch. I sipped my tea slowly, allowing the hot liquid to warm me.

"Are you okay now?" He asked, eyes soft and kind.

"Yes." I knew his question applied only to my tumultuous outburst.

He nodded and we fell into silence for a few minutes.

"Tell me about you, James." I said, desperate for a distraction.

"What about me?"

"Your parents. Your life. Anything really. Just... talk."

He seemed to understand my need for him to say something, anything. "Well... erm... I don't really know what to say. My mum and dad are great. Real old. I'm their only child, so they're quite... generous." He grinned. "I love them loads." He winked, as if he were sharing a highly important secret. "Just don't tell anyone."

I smiled, slightly amused.

"What about your mum and dad?"

"They're muggles. They don't understand any of this." I gestured to everything around us, meaning the castle, Hogwarts, magic and everything they stood for. "But they're fascinated by it. They think it's brilliant that I'm a witch, though Petunia despises me for it." A bit of sadness crept into my voice as I talked of my sister, the best friend of my early childhood.

"You two used to be close, yeah?" His tone was kind and curious and his words mirrored my own thoughts.

"Yeah, we really were." I sighed. I did not desire to talk of such mood dampening topics. "Tell me about your friends." I already knew, of course, all about Remus' werewolf tendencies and the rest of the Marauders being anamagi.

A light touched his eyes when I brought up his friends. I could instantly tell that he cared for them deeply. "They're just... terrific, really. Sirius is a riot, it's true, but he's got a deep past. He came to live with me this summer. Ran away from home. His mum is a right horror. One of those pureblood fanatics. She hates him." He smiled sadly as if relieving the traumas that Sirius had gone through. "And you know how every girl just fawns over him."

"You too, if I recall." I almost smirked.

He laughed. "Yeah, I suppose. You're the only post-pubescent girl here who hasn't swooned at the charm of any of the Marauders, myself included, much to my dismay." He paused, thinking. "And you, of course, know Remus."

I nodded. Remus and I had been quite good friends. "What about Peter?" I wanted him to keep talking. His voice sounded nice and kept me from thinking horrible things.

"Oh... well, Peter's a bit bland, sure, but he's nice enough. Always there for us. He's one of us. Great friend, he is. But... I don't know. He's been a bit... distant lately." A dark, hurt look clouded his face as he talked of the absence of his friend. I saw then the true extent of his affection for them. He would do absolutely anything for them. A new admiration for him glowed within me, along with a new sense of longing. I wanted to be his friend. "Anyway. I expect you're growing bored of hearing me go on about inconsequentials." I was about to protest, but he continued speaking. "What about your friends? I know Sirius went with Mary, but I don't really know much her, or any of them, really."

"Mary went with Sirius?" I asked bemusedly. "When was this?"

"Oh... erm... over the holiday. You didn't know?"

"No. I didn't. I haven't spoken to any of my friends since... the end of last term."

"Why not?" He obviously knew the event that had triggered the change, but he seemed to want to understand. To understand everything.

"Because I'm not the same anymore. I'm dirty and ruined and they wouldn't—— no one would want to associate with me."

"That's not true, Lily." His voice was so soft, I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly.

"What?" My voice was even more faint.

"You're friends will still love you, Lily." He took my, lacing his fingers through mine. A physical comfort for an emotional pain. It seemed to help, if only a little.

"But I _can't_. I can't even say it to you." I took a deep breath. I held his hand a little tighter. It was encouragement. "I don't want them thinking of me any differently... You think of me differently."

"No, Lily. I don't. We're friends now. I don't think of you lowly or anything of the sort. I love you and you do not have to be concerned with being judged. Not around me." He was silent for a moment and he could tell that I needed something now, more than ever, to bring me from my thoughts. "Tell me about muggles."

"Well... erm, they use electricity for everything. And they obviously can't use magic. They're just like us, with the same hopes and dreams and fears, only sans anything magical." I fought to concentrate on only our conversation. "They're lazy, but not as lazy as us. They still have to do everything by hand. I swear, one day, they'll have the machines that'll tell you everything." I laughed for a second. I was beginning to feel a bit homesick. Though one thought of what had happened the last time I had been home stifled it. "There are these terrific contraptions though. Televisions, they're called. They have moving pictures that tell a story."

He smiled. "That sounds fun." I think he was just humouring me as I hadn't really given an accurate description. "Perhaps we'll get one. It might be nice for you..."

"Yeah. It would." I answered. I let my head fall on his shoulder, my eyes fluttering closed.

I hadn't been awake three hours and I was already falling back asleep. To be fair, I had over a month's sleep to catch up on, and I had been on an emotional roller coaster ride the entire time I had been awake.

James silently stroked my hair as I drifted deeper and deeper into sleep.

I was roused slightly when he gathered me into his arms with undeniable ease. I leaned my head against his chest, dozing. When he placed me on my bed and stepped away, my hand flashed out, grabbing his shirtfront and holding on tenaciously.

"Don't leave." I peeled my eyes open, staring at him with a pleading gaze. "Stay, please."

"Yeah, Lily. Of course." He acquiesced, prying my fingers from his shirt. He was tired too. After all, I had woken him several hours ago from a deep sleep. He made to go over to 'his' chair, but I stopped him.

"No. Lie down. It's okay." He looked to the place beside me on my bed and back to me. "I'm okay."

He obliged, somewhat unwillingly. I knew it was because he wasn't sure if I was okay and not that he didn't want to.

He slid silently between the blankets sighing with the relief and comfort of a long day's end. I wondered what it was that had stolen all of our energy.

Our arms touched beneath the covers and I was able to fall back to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: Oh, my. I completely apologise. It has been so long since I updated. School has just been such a fucking chore lately that I didn't have time to type this up. It's been written for weeks now, and i just... forgot about it. I'm really sorry. Anyways, read this, it's short, I know. Sorry. Again. Tell me what you think :D_

* * *

"Lily. Come on. We're late," a calm voice murmured in my ear. "Lily. Lily, you have to wake up."

I groaned and shifted. It took me a moment to realise that I was flush against someone. _James_, my mind whispered.

"Why are you waking me up?" I smiled inside. It had been so long since I'd had to complain about being woken up.

"Because, Lily, we have lessons. It wouldn't be fitting for the Head Girl to miss the first day of classes." He said it quietly, but I had known him long enough to hear the light lilt of his playful teasing.

Had I been the old Lily, I would have cared. I would have been angry with him for poking fun at me. I would have been terrified of missing the first day of lessons. But I wasn't that girl anymore, so it didn't matter.

I lifted my head for a moment, gazing at James with extreme concentration. I promptly let my head fall back onto his shoulder. Why didn't I care anymore?

"It doesn't matter," I moaned. "I don't care. Just let me sleep."

"Come on, Lil." He tried pushing me off him, using as little force as necessary. I wouldn't budge. I was determined to get more sleep. "Lily, come _on_. We've already slept through breakfast. Wake _up_."

I sat up suddenly and threw back the covers.

"There. Are you happy now?" I turned and tried to glare at him. It didn't really work. His hair was matted on one side of his head and he had this content expression on his face. It really is impossible to stay angry with someone who looks like that.

"Very." He flashed me a brilliant smile. "Go get dressed. I'll meet you downstairs. Fifteen minutes."

I nodded and proceeded to dress as he left the room. I was ready in less than ten minutes.

Normally, it would have taken me longer, but normal no longer applied. I didn't bother doing anything with the hopeless mass that was my hair. It was lank and despondent, as per usual.

James was already downstairs. He hadn't fixed his hair either. Instead, he ran his hand through it repeatedly. He had said once, years ago, that it was to make it look 'windswept'. It worked.

"We have charms first," he said after a moment, breaking though my reverie of a happier time.

Charms used to be my favorite class, my best class. I wasn't so sure anymore.

I silently, hesitantly, followed him out of the dormitory. With each step, I grew more and more panicked.

What would they say when they saw me? I remembered Sirius' face the other day, though it seemed like a distant memory. He had been, to say the least, shocked.

We stepped into the classroom. My breathing was quick and shallow.

Hogwarts was supposed to make things better. It was supposed to take me away from the cruelty I had endured in the Muggle world. It had always healed the wounds Petunia's abhorrence left on me. Why wasn't it working now, when I needed it most of all?

There were students scattered across the classroom. I saw the Marauders and my own friends. I was bordering on hyperventilation.

I turned to James, my eyes wide with a new kind of terror.

"Sit with me," I whispered desperately.

He looked down at me, peering into the depths of my ivy eyes, his face utterly somber. "Yeah, of course."

We sat in a pair of seats towards the back. I had picked them out. They were the farthest from our friends as possible. I saw Sirius mutter something to Remus, who only waved him off.

The class was a disaster.

People whispered throughout the entire lesson, though if it was because of me or because James and I were sitting together, I did not know. James took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly every now and then under the table. I'm sure I looked as though I wanted to cry, especially after I failed to successfully complete the charm that the professor had instructed us to perform, even though I had learned it two years before everyone else. It was horrible.

When we were walking out, I heard Katarina, flanked by Alice and Mary, calling my name.

James was about to say something, presumably encouragement to speak to my old friends, when I cut him off.

"No, James. I can't. Not yet." I took his hand, the only encouragement that I needed, and walked a bit faster, pulling him with me. Soon, Katarina and Alice and Mary and my name escaping their pleading lips faded behind me.

James took a right, going in the opposite direction of both our dormitory and our next class.

"Where are we going?" I asked, a bit breathless as our pace increased.

"You need a break." He wasn't breathless at all. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought him to be invincible.

He stopped in front of a portrait and ticked a pear. It giggled and suddenly, the kitchens were open to us.

"James, what the hell— "

He placed a single finger to my lips, silencing me, and lifted me into the kitchens.

"You're going to eat," he instructed.

"Like hell I—"

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evens," a small, wrinkly house elf squeaked, bowing deeply, his nose grazing the floor. "What may I get you?"

His eyes never left the floor and he did not pull himself into an erect position.

Despite his etiquette, I did not want anything to eat.

"You're going to eat," James insisted.

I did not want to eat.

"You have to eat, Lily." James turned to the house elf. "She'll have soup. With noodles."

"James, no."

"Lily, _yes_."

We peered at each other for a moment. I tried to glare. He just stared back, stubbornly amused.

Frowning, I sat with a dull thump. James plopped himself down across from me. A house elf place my soup on the table, bowed again and left without a word. James pushed my soup closer to me and smirked. I just stared at it. The curls of steam radiating off the golden liquid reached for the high ceiling.

"Don't make me feed you," he growled. Though his tone was somewhat playful, I heard the solemn undercurrent of his words.

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him, but just barely.

I raised a small spoonful of broth to my mouth. There was a faint smile on James' lips. I emptied stock onto my tongue. His smile grew more pronounced. It was warm and it tasted so good. So, so good.

James grinned.

"Yummy, eh?"

I merely nodded.

He watched me eat silently. I savoured the taste of the broth and the texture of the noodles. I relished in the absence of the nausea food seemed to cause lately. It was magnificent.

When I was finished, I just stared at him, not speaking. My eyes shined with the words I could not say.

_Thank you._

"Let's go. We only missed History of Magic and Binns will never know we were gone. If we hurry, we can make Transfiguration... unless you don't want to go."

"No, we should go. I don't want to get you into any more trouble," I said, even though I didn't want to go and I knew he didn't mind getting in trouble.

The rest of the classes passed in a blur, a blur of bedeviled lessons and the avoidance of friends past. James all but ignored his friends, blowing them off to stay with me.

I was beyond grateful.

I didn't eat at dinner. Not in front of all those people. Not yet.

James let me alone, only leaning in to whisper in me ear, "I promise to take you to the kitchens later." He was smiling.

His friends stared at us, confused and unnerved.

Lily Evans allowing James Potter to whisper in her ear?

Lily Evans sitting with James Potter at dinner?

Lily Evans never once leaving James Potter's side?

She must be under the Imperius Curse!

She must be an imposter!

It was fodder for the gossip mill, that's for sure.

Despite the extreme amount of talk revolving around the both of us, I couldn't stay away from him. He was fixing me, slowly, but surely.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: It's been a long time. Months, actually. My apologies go out to those who waited for this update. Truthfully, I didn't think I would ever complete this, but today I went back and read it and thought I should. So, I will update soon and this is not yet finished. No where near finished, actually. Again, I'm sorry for taking so long. Please review and tell me what you liked or disliked. Thank you :D_

_Oh, and could someone please tell me what the difference between Lily L. Potter and the Lily E. Potter is? Thanks :D  
_

* * *

All I could see was that reddish-orange of closed eyelids in the morning. I felt oddly rested and calm, which was new and welcome. It was a moment before I realised I was alone in my bedchamber and another moment before I realised that James should be with me. A thread of panic wove its' way through my veins and around my insides. Where the hell was he?

My eyes opened and I sat up just fast enough to make my head spin. I looked about the room searching for him. I strained to hear any noise that would tell me where he was. I couldn't hear the shower or any footsteps throughout the dormitory and I was getting increasingly nervous. With a wave of frightened nausea, I slid off the bed and walked out of my room. It was then that I heard the muffled voices.

I leaned over the balcony, peering below into the Common Room, attempting to match faces to the muted baritones. There was a fire blazing and it was a minute before I spotted the top of a mop of messy black hair and a head shrouded in silky brunette locks. Relief washed through me as I recognised James. It took an extra few seconds before I knew that the other head was that of Sirius Black.

The two friends continued to speak in hushed tones and it was obvious that Sirius was angered. I couldn't tell what about, but I had a vague idea that sent dread spinning through my mind.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Prongs?" Sirius' voice rose as he grew more heated and I knew for certain that the subject of their conversation was me.

"Quiet down, Padfoot! Lily's asleep." It seemed that James was becoming just as aggravated as Sirius was, though he was trying to control it.

"Oh! Well, we wouldn't want to wake the fucking princess!" Sirius glared daggers at James, spitting out his words in disgust. "Four months ago she wouldn't have given you the time of day and now you blow off everything, every_one_, for her? What, one fucking summer away and now everything is different?"

"Yes, everything _is_ different now, Sirius. Things have changed, but not between us." James was trying to stay calm, trying to fix things, I could hear it in his voice, but it seemed to become exceedingly difficult. "We're still friends."

My heart started to race. I didn't want to ruin things for James. I didn't want to screw up his life. I didn't want to need his help. But it seemed that somehow, I had.

"You've been going on about her for years, Prongs, and she's never cared an ounce for you. She comes back all fucked up and needy and suddenly she wants _you_? Doubtful, Prongs."

"Just leave, Sirius. You don't understand."

"You're right, I don't understand. Explain it to me."

"Just go." I could hear defeat and sadness colouring his tone and I wanted to help.

"Whatever, _James_," he spoke James' given name with utter contempt. "All I know is, you better be there tomorrow night, no matter what she says."

"Of course I'll be there. I'm always there."

Sirius glared at him for a second more and spun on his heel, leaving James in oppressed silence.

I saw James run a hand over his face, rubbing away the argument, trying to erase its' burning cruelty from his memory.

Pity and regret surged through me. I didn't want to hurt him.

I slunk to the floor, using the stone of the balcony rail for support. I rested my head on my knees and I felt like screaming. I was destroying his friendships and his life while he was so desperately trying to piece together mine. It wasn't fair to him.

I heard him tread quietly up the stairs. His steps were cautious and calculating. I think it was to keep me from waking.

He wasn't paying attention and he walked straight pass me and into my room.

"Lily?" he called softly when he saw I wasn't asleep in my bed. I heard him check the bathroom and call out for me again, slightly louder and a bit more panicked. "Lily?"

"I'm here, James."

"Oh, good." He stood before me, staring down. I could almost hear his thoughts pondering what new mental torture I had been inflicting upon myself to make me huddle on the floor outside my chamber. "Are you all right?"

I ignored his question outright, slowly standing and merely looking back at him. I decided then to see how far I could go in relation to being close to him. His arms wrapped around my waist and I reciprocated, wrapping my own around his neck. After a minute, I let go. It had felt nice, but I didn't want to push it.

"I'm going to take a shower," I murmured, leaving him in the hall, slightly dumbstruck.

The scalding water eased the tension in my rigid muscles slightly and warmed my numb fingers and toes with ease. It felt good to scrub the shampoo into my scalp and even better to feel the silkiness of the conditioner as it rinsed out of my hair. I hadn't used conditioner in months and the extra body it gave my hair was surprising.

It was a while before I finally made my way to the Common Room. James was folded comfortably on the couch reading serenely. As he heard me descend the stairs, he looked up and smiled with a warmth that I envied.

"Good morning. You look nice today," he complimented.

"Thank you," I replied faintly. "What class do we have first today?" I was exceedingly lucky that he did in fact share every class with me. I suppose there was time in which I would have thought otherwise. It was ironic how completely everything had changed.

"We have double History of Magic then break."

Double History of Magic. I almost groaned. That was sure to be an exciting two hours.

"Ok then," I nodded.

He gently grasped my elbow, leading me out of the dormitory and towards Professor Binn's classroom. We didn't speak. I was contemplating possibly one of the worst decisions I would ever make.

Outside the classroom door, I stopped him. I had come to a conclusion.

"Go sit with your friends today," I said and the conviction in my voice left something to be desired.

"What?" The confusion on his face was clear.

"Go sit with your friends today," I reiterated. "I don't want to fuck up your life any more than I have to. Now go."

"You're not fucking up my life, Lily." He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Is this about what Sirius said? Did you hear him?"

"No...I mean, yes, but it's not why. Just go sit with them. Mend fences, build bridges. I'll be ok on my own." I was being stubborn, something new and he was surprised. Lately I concede so easily.

"Alright, I'll see you right after class, ok?" he acquiesced. He didn't want to fight with me, I could see it in his eyes. That was the only reason he gave in and, oddly, I found it sweet.

"That's fine," I nodded, making my way into the classroom and toward our usual seat in the back, only this time, I would be occupying it alone.

The class was torturous. Not only was it boring, but I had no one to share it with. Every now and then James would turn around, checking to make sure I was all right.

When the bell rang, I saw Katarina gather her things and attempt to make her way to me. I panicked and hurried out of the room and down the corridor.

"Lily!"

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Lily!"

I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for this at all.

"Lily!" Katarina bellowed, thundering down the hallway.

I stopped. What else was I supposed to do? She knew that I had heard her. She knew I wasn't deaf. However oblivious and flighty Katarina may be, she is now stupid.

I was still facing the opposite direction when she reached me. My back was towards her and I knew that this made her angry, but I didn't think I could face her. She grabbed my arm, attempting to twirl me around. I twisted out of her grasp, shaken and tense. I hadn't had any physical contact with anyone but James in months.

"What?" I was irritated, yes, but my voice remained soft.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Her nostrils flared. Her eyes were gleaming. She was very, very, angry and it frightened me. Even more than that, I was terrified of myself, what I was becoming. What kind of person is scared of her best friend, scared of speaking with her?

I felt for a moment a sense of déjà vu. Sirius had shouted the same irate words at James just a couple hours earlier.

"Nothing is wrong with me." It's funny how convincing you can make a lie sound when you say it enough, and even more disturbing.

"Nothing is wrong with you?" She was getting sarcastic, a trait she usually acquired when she was beyond furious. "You haven't spoken to me, to any of us, in months. The only letters we got from you all holiday said "Everything's fine. Hope things are well. Lily." Then you come back and you're all buddy buddy with Potter. What the fuck, Lily."

"Nothing is wrong with me," I repeated.

"Like hell nothing is wrong with you."

Why did I tell James to leave? This wouldn't be happening if I had made him stay. It wouldn't be happening and I would resemble ok.

"I'm fine, Katarina." I closed my eyes. "I just need to...work through some things."

"Talk to me, Lily," she murmured, her fire dwindling. "Tell me what's been going on. We've been best friends for years."

"I..." I closed my eyes again. I couldn't handle this. Tears began to gather at the corners of my eyes. I wasn't ready for this.

"Lily? Lily!" I heard James call out loudly, but gently. He was close, nearing us.

I didn't speak until I felt his hand on the small of my back easing comfort through my being.

"I...I have to go." I didn't look at her as I spoke the words, but I knew I had hurt her and the guilt I felt was suffocating.

I grasped James' hand for support as we made our way away from my friend.

"Are you ok?" James whispered. Tears flowed down my face relentlessly and he stopped us, turning me to him and wiping them away with the pad of his thumb. "It will be ok. I promise. She'll forgive you." He placed a gossamer kiss on my forehead. "It will be ok."

"Thank you, James."

"Come on, let's go outside. It's a beautiful day and I know a place." He slung his arm around my waist and led me out of the castle.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: You all must despise me. I'm sorry its taking sooo long to get this story over with. I've been crazy busy and haven't really had the compulsion to write more. But I did tonight, so here you go. I'm not really sure if I'm going to keep this chapter, but tell me what you think regardless. Also, if anyone needs a Beta, let me know. I'd be happy to do it._

* * *

His shapely arm is heavy and comforting as he leads me to that "place he knows". I'm a little confused, but I don't say anything and neither does he. The sun is warm above us and it feels nice to notice it. It's been so long since the heat of the sun has touched my skin in any way that actually caused me to take notice.

We haven't spoken since he pulled me away from Katarina. I can't so much as think her name. The anger that twisted her features, the look of betrayal, brings this unbearable pain in my chest and makes my hands tremble. I feel like even worse a person for hurting her, Alice, Mary, and even James' mischievous friends. So I try not to think about it. I turn my mind to other avenues, taking special care to notice the stunning green of the leaves against the bright blue sky and the way the sun reflects in glistening shards across the surface of the lake. It's been so long... It feels like I haven't even been at Hogwarts for the time I have, but with James' arm around my waist I feel more safe than I have in a long time and the beauty of the grounds somehow makes its' way into my battered consciousness.

We pass the Black Lake and I almost want to ask where we're going, but the sun and his arm and the walking feel too good to ruin with words, so I keep my mouth shut. James seems to know what I'm feeling, as per usual, and instead of saying something, anything, he takes a sharp left and suddenly, we are traveling down a path shrouded in overgrown bushes. The light that filters upon us is tinted green and the first word that pops into my mind is _beautiful_. Maybe nature is a cure.

About fifteen minutes pass, and then James speaks.

"Close your eyes," he whispers.

So I do, because, oddly enough, I almost trust him.

He keeps that one arm around my waist, and brings his other hand to take mine, and leads me along another several yards before murmuring, "You can open them."

And when I do, I almost die, because nature can maybe be some kind of cure, and this cure is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It's a secret lake, full emerald trees reflected in its' rippling surface, wild flowers spread from the edges of the meadow to the shore of the lake in brilliant, blinding colours. I take in a short breath, astounded.

"Do you like it?" he asks, voice soft, matching the tenor of the meadow.

I nod, because that's all I can do. I am speechless.

There is a large willow tree to the east and I tug James' hand slightly as I begin to walk towards it. He obligingly follows, and without looking I can see that he has a small, slightly pleased smile on his face.

I sit at the base of the willow tree, feeling almost at home. My wand, in my pocket, is emitting imaginary warmth at being so close to the wood that made it. Willow trees had always been my favorite. I remember how ecstatic I had been when I had bought my wand, when it had chosen me, and Olivander had said it was made of willow. I had thought it was fate, kismet. I had been so, so happy to have been chosen to be a part of this whole new world, this world that I had thought surely could not exist and that one little fact made me feel like I belonged, like I was destined to be here. I try to feel this again, this undeniable happiness and acceptance. It does not come in that full force, but I can almost taste the memory of happiness and it almost makes me smile.

My thoughts however, have been following a trend, spiraling on an emotional roller coaster. _What a waste I am, _I think_, a witch, "smart" and I wasn't even able to..._

Again, James catches on to the hidden depths of my silence and almost makes it better.

"No one else knows about this place," he says, his voice still impossible quiet. He is sitting next to me and somehow, my head is on his shoulder, leaning, and his arms are around mine.

I take a deep breath and my head is filled with the clean, fresh scent of James and I close my eyes and all I can think of is safety.

"Thank you, James." My voice is even quieter than his, but he hears me and I am grateful. I can only hope that he knows that I am thanking him for each and every thing. For taking care of me, for rescuing me from myself, from Katarina, for saving a place in his big heart to try and fix me. For a moment, I almost think it's working.

He only nods, forever modest, but honestly, it's not enough.

"Really," I stress, "I mean it."

"I know, Lily," he replies, his tone kind, "but you don't have to thank me. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do."

"I'm sorry I made your friends angry with you. I didn't mean—"

My attempts may be futile, but I am in his debt, and I want him to know that I am aware, that I am appreciative of all the sacrifices he has made for me.

"Lily, don't be ridiculous. It's not your fault, and even if it was, you would have nothing to be sorry for."

I want to say more, apologise profusely for all the sorrow I've caused him, for the weight I've dumped on his shoulders, but I can't find the words. I open my mouth and they slip out, silent, unsaid.

"James..." I attempt, without hope, without success. One day, I suppose, I'll be able to tell him all that this means to me. Instead, I place a hand on his hand on my shoulder and revel in the new warmth that I feel.

"It's okay, Lily, " he says, because he _gets_ me, somehow. He understands me, even after a summer where I come back all "fucked up and needy". As callous, as cruel as Sirius' words were, I cannot help but agree. I was awful to James for the past six years and I feel terrible for it.

_If I had known,_ I wonder, _what a kind person he truly is, would I have done something different?_

To pull myself from dangerous thoughts, I say, "Why haven't you shown this to anyone before?"

He inhales deeply. "Because I wasn't really ready. Because I wanted a place for my own," he pauses, "now we both have a place of our own."

"Are you okay with that? With sharing with me?"

"More than okay," he says, smiling. He places a chaste kiss on the top of my head and sighs.

It occurs to me, out of the blue, how hard this must be for him, being so close, but so far away.

_I'm sorry_. It is silent, but it is true.

Do I want him far away?

"I'm sorry." It's so quiet that it is barely audible. I am surprised that he hears it.

He just looks at me strangely for a moment, his hazel eyes aglow with the midday sun. It feels like they are reading my soul. I take a deep breath and before he can say a word, I press my seemingly lifeless lips to the warmth of his.


End file.
